Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
