um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
