and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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