Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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