did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
