fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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