i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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