Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
