Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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