4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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