I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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