his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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