There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
