all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Randomize
