not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
