I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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