she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
