Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
