Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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