I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
