Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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