i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
