Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
