Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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