We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
