so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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