What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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