I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize