Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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