come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
