If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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