If i come over, it means nothing
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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