I just cut my nipple shaving
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
