Cold hands, warm shart.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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