im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
