ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
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