she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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