I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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