I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
