I can text with my tongue
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
