was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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