I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
