:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
