i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
being pregnant is like rehab
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize