Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
