He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Randomize
