DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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