Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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