No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You pole danced in your parka.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
