I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
