whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
