woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
