So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
