My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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