take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Randomize
