dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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