It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
