So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
