just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize