Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
