my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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