Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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